Why Most Attempts at Onomatopoeia Fail

I have an axe to grind, and it’s with the “literary device” onomatopoeia. I placed literary device in quotations because in my opinion, onomatopoeia is about as useful as a plug with no outlet.

I hate onomatopoeia and when I say hate, I don’t mean “kind of dislike it, but know it’s good for me” in the way some people say they hate the gym. No, I mean that most attempts at onomatopoeia manage to somehow slither down my butt-crack and give me a sudden attack of the hemorrhoids.